There's a hole in my soul

You know how many times I've been given that bloody, fuckin' speech? I've lost count. Every time Buffy goes off when we're 'bout t'go off t'save the soddin' world again, right there. So, lemme count... there was her and me tryin' t'stop Angelus and Dru, back when I hated Buffy. Right, then. Oh, and can't forget the time she decided t'kill herself t'stop Glory, the God what liked t'beat up on me. Yeah, all us Scoobies on the run (and shut the fuck up, I was one of the group back then thank-you-very-much) tryin' t'save the Nibblet.

And Buffy had t'go and die on me us.

I almost didn't care then; I was ready t'let someone stake me. Only that promise I'd made her t'keep the Nibblet safe... had t'stick around for her, right? Well, then, Buffy came back. I didn't have t'hear any speech makin' for awhile that year. Next year, though, it felt like it was all Buffy wanted t'do. I was goin' insane, while she was turnin' into a general or some shit.

Oh, and the bleedin' amulet that I wore while the sun poured into me, burnin' me up from the inside out until I felt my spark finally and Sunnydale ended up a crater. That was a fun one, goin' into battle with all those girls. And yeah, Buffy gave another of her speeches.

I got brought back, though, and lo and behold, I'm with Gramps. Took a bit, fightin' and scarpin' along with him until he decided t'turn into Buffy with the speech makin'. So what does good old Spike do? Go along and follow him into battle with the soddin' dragon against the Senior Partners.

Let's not get into Fred right now, though, and what happened there.

Still, it always seems like it's the "time", "hour", whatever. We ended up in Hell -- literally -- and had t'fight our way outta that, too. I'm not goin' t'be as much of a git t'think that we've finally found the end and everything'll be candy and roses and whatnot now. There'll still be fights and Big Bads, and Yours Truly will still be there, followin' along like some idiot.

Of course, as an aside? Buffy's speeches were always better.

Muse: Spike
Fandom: BtVS/AtS
Word Count: 374

"Sod off, Gramps."

Angel rolled his eyes at Spike for what seemed to be the thousandth time. "Look, Spike, if you're serious about this redemption thing, then you've got to listen to me."

Spike rolled his eyes at Angel for the thousandth time. "Oh, and what? Be all Mr. Broody-Pants like you? Talk 'bout how my poor soul is makin' me suffer? No thanks, mate. I'm havin' a blast savin' what souls need t'be saved, playin' on my X-Box, drinkin' beers..."

Spike, truthfully, didn't want to tell Angel that he was scared to see Buffy. He didn't want to admit that being put in the limelight of Wolfram and Hart was hard, that since Fred's death he'd changed his outlook on all sorts of shit.

He especially didn't want Angel to know how alone he felt. It was like he was back to being William the poet instead of William the Bloody.

"Look here, Captain Forehead," he started off as he lit up another of his fags, "this life? It's fuckin' amazin'. We get whatever cars we want, we can stay here in this here buildin' and the sun doesn't get us. We don't age so's any bint can fuck us senseless -- well, not Harm because..."

Spike just shrugged and Angel frowned at him, not wanting to know more about the other's sex life. Especially with his secretary.

"Life's perfect. And I'll be the one to get that bloody Shanshu, so you best watch out." Spike walked away, all swagger and confidence, until he got to Fred's old office where Illyria was at. Not that he had anything really against the God-King, but she wasn't Fred.

And she was lonely, too, he could tell.

"What do you want, half-breed?" The sneer rankled him a bit, but Spike just shrugged it off.

"Nothin', I suppose." Then he thought a bit. "Want t'come by and play on my X-Box? You get t'kill things and such." It wasn't much of a friendship, but he supposed it would do.

It was better than nothing at all.

Muse: Spike
Fandom: BtVS/AtS
Word Count: 343
OOC Note: The muses mentioned are undead_handsome (Angel), screw_destiny (Fred), & not_the_shell (Illyria).

"I don't interest myself in 'why'. I think more often in terms of 'when', sometimes 'where'; always "how much'."

"Spike, why were you lookin' at porn?"

"Spike, why did you eat all of the food when vamps don't need t'eat human food at all?"

"Spike, why did you kill those two Slayers and then brag about it t'Buffy?"

Yeah, see, these are the questions that I have t'face myself with every day. I don't understand why, though. (See, we're back t'why again. All you sods, you just don't bloody get it, do you?)

I want t'know how much money I'm goin' t'be gettin' from whatever job we've got t'do. I want t'know how much food I'm goin' t'get, too, for that matter. Sometimes where we're goin' t'be off to and such, yeah, that too since I've got myself such a busy schedule and all.

When do I get t'go out and do a spot of violence, yeah, that too. See, I don't bloody care 'bout the Slayers I killed except I really do, I don't care if Angel thinks it's dumb t'look at porn during company time (hey, sometimes there's not much else t'be doin' on a slow day, alright?), and as for the food?

It tastes good. Simple as that.

I just want t'be left alone with my X-Box so's I can play some games, do my own shit. Why do you think Gramps never got these same questions (other than the fact that he's a ponce)? He only ever thinks 'bout the whys and never 'bout anythin' else.

Fuck it, I'm not goin' t'explain why I do anythin' t'you. Now, excuse me while I go back t'looking at FleshWorld.

Muse: Spike
Fandom: BtVS/AtS
Word Count: 262

01.) Full name? - William the Bloody, AKA "Spike"
02.) Best friend? - None. He used to be good friends with Fred before she died, though. The closest thing to a friend would be Angel, but Spike will deny this until the day he dies. Again.
03.) Sexuality? - Bisexual, but he won't admit that, either. He's mainly straight, because he has so many mother issues (Oedipal!), and he tends to transfer that onto any women he can. Cecily, Drusilla, Buffy, Anya, even Fred. Harmony was just someone for him to use to make himself feel better. But in canon, he slept with Angelus at least once, back in the day when Spike was evil, and truth be told, he would do it again -- but only with Angel. His bisexuality is limited to Angel; he'd never sleep with any other man. He has too many father/hero worship issues with Angel/Angelus.
04.) Favorite color? - Black. Black, black, black.
05.) Relationship status? - Single, but hopelessly in love with Buffy Summers.
06.) Ideal mate? - If he was still evil, it would be Drusilla. With his soul, it *could* be Buffy, but there are a lot of things the two of them need to work through -- the near-rape being the main one.
07.) Turn-ons? - Alcohol, women who are dominate and strong, cigarettes in bed, handcuffs, leather, candle wax, violence.
08.) Last sexual experience? - Sexual would be with Buffy (in his world) and it would be the near-rape, sadly. Before that, it was still Buffy and it was all the sex they had when Buffy was using him.
09.) Favorite food? - Hot chocolate with marshmallows, buffalo wings, weetabix mixed with blood, and of course, onion blossoms.
10.) Crushes? - Buffy Summers. Before he had the soul, and right now, since he has so many unresolved feelings for her. It's all about Buffy for him.
11.) Favorite music? - Sex Pistols and The Ramones.
12.) Biggest fear? - That he'll turn into Angel.
13.) Biggest fantasy? - That he'll turn into Angel.
14.) Quirks in bed? - Spike is what's called a "bossy bottom". He says he loves to be in charge during sex, but that's really not true at all. He loves to be dominated by strong women who will take charge not only of the sex, but of his life, since no matter how hard he tries he can't ever seem to grow out of the "poet" phase. Even when he was evil, he deferred to Drusilla. He loves any sort of kink - ANY - but only if it is inflicted on him. (Hence, Buffy using the handcuffs on him and not the other way around...)
15.) Bad habits? - Letting others tell him what to do. Cigarette smoking and drinking. Getting jealous far too easily.
16.) Biggest regret? - The near-rape. It still bothers him because without a soul, Spike didn't understand the difference between rough sex and rape when it came to Buffy. He thought he was, at the time, having sex with her the way they always did - fast, hard, no emotions involved on her side. He loved her, and when she kicked him away from her, it finally hit him that he'd done something wrong. It wasn't until he got his soul, though, that Spike understood how much he had hurt Buffy both physically and emotionally, and he's never forgiven himself for it.
17.) Best kept secrets? - Spike's terrible at keeping secrets, but it would probably be that he would do a threesome with Angel and Buffy in a heartbeat because he's so screwed up mentally when it comes to both of them.
18.) Last thought? - "Fuck, she's gonna stake me once I tell her 'bout that time. And I should just bloody well let her do it."
19.) Worst sexual experience? - Anything with Harmony. She was good at giving him blowjobs, which was why he kept her around for as long as he did, but she wasn't very good in bed. The worst time with her was after he stopped being a ghost and he tried to sleep with her, and in the middle of it, she started getting possessed and attacked him.
20.) Biggest insecurity? - Spike is COMPLETELY insecure. About almost everything. His whole persona of "Spike" is just a mask to cover up everything else in his life. If he had to pick one thing, though, it would be being rejected. By Buffy, by Angel, by the Shanshu, by people who didn't like his poems, by anyone.

Sodding dragon.

If it hadn't been for that bloody dragon, Spike thought to himself, then he wouldn't be here. Well, wherever the hell here was, of course. Spike had opened his eyes to discover that he was in a room, nothing terribly important or interesting, and then he'd turned on the light.

It was the room of some bird, a young one by the looks of it, and she'd decorated the place with posters of rock stars and such. It made him want to vomit, but at least it was a place. Could be worse.

He looked outside and saw the sun wasn't out, which meant he could go walking about and see if there was some blood to have. Not that he was expecting the nice shit he used to get at Wolfram & Hart or even the hospital, but maybe there'd be a butcher shop. Who knew.

He was glad to find an extra fag in his pocket and pulled it out, lighting it and breathing in the smoke as much as someone who couldn't breathe could. He'd tried his best to explain how it all worked to Dru once, but he'd only ended up confusing himself, which was really saying something considering it was fucking Dru.

"Home, sweet home," he said aloud to no one, then sat on the stairs that had led to the little girl room.

Then it hit him. He was dead. Had to be. The fight, where he and Blue Lightning had been battling the Ogre while Gramps had been off fighting the dragon... they'd all died. That's why he was here. Huh. Well, it wasn't Heaven. And he didn't feel like a real boy, so no bloody Shanshu, either.

"Do you mean t'tell me that ANGEL got the Shanshu?!?" Spike was screaming to no one and kicked the dirt at his feet. Damn it.

This must be what Hell feels like.